


An Exercise in Poorly Written Fic: Candy and Condom Wrappers

by Angelkissesanddemonsblood



Category: Tumblr - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-05 23:47:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15181994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelkissesanddemonsblood/pseuds/Angelkissesanddemonsblood
Summary: I challenged her to write her worst. She delivered with the funniest smut mockary we all know.Prep yourself for the glory of what your about to stress read at 2 am for laughter.It is with great honour and tearful pride I present to you, Annies first venture into writing smut, Candy and Condom Wrappers.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment so I can tell the creator (@shows-up-naked-covered-in-bees on tumblr).

It was June 34th, the night before halloween. Two people, one with a peener and one with a bagina, were so very in love. They had made eyes at each other across the hall, and that was it. They wanted to do the sex real bad because they were in love so much. They felt so completed with each other. 

Now, they were both there. On the bed. They had been hugging and kissing  and both felt real ready for it. He licked her face twice, then he broke away from the kiss. His peener got hard from looking hard at her. 

“wow” she said. “your peener got hard.”

Suddenly serious he rolled onto his side. “I know.” he said seriously. “we should really leave space for Jesus.” 

But they didn’t. They left exactly zero space for Jesus. He quickly climbed inside her, and they did it a couple times. They felt things. 

\----20 minutes after---

“Woah! you’re pregnant!” 

“oh my god! I’m in labor! the baby growed so fast!” 

The baby came out 30 minutes later. But the most terrible thing happened. He quickly realized that she was not the mother.

“You cheated on me!” He angrily screamed with rage. “I’m the father but you are not the mother!”

to be continued...


	2. Aluminum Foil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ANOTHER CHAPTER ALREADY?!?! GOD BLESS ANNIE.

“Oh my heckin’” He screamed. “The baby is like, bright green! That can’t be normal!”  
“You’re right. It’s not normal,” she replied, slyly. “I’m not of this earth.”

  
She then set the baby carefully on the ground, like a baby, that had been set on the ground. The baby cried. “BLEEP bLORP” it screamed.

  
He gasped loudly, surprised. “What a surprising and unexpected plot twist!” he said. “Is that your actual face, or do you have a smaller distinctly green face underneath?”  
With swift hands, she ripped off her face. Just freaking NYOOPED IT RIGHT OFF.

  
Riiiiiip went her face. Underneath was a smaller face that was also distinctly green as well. “I’m an alien. Bleep borp. I’m here to take me to your leader”

  
He put his hands on his hips.

  
“Excuse me,” he sassed, sassily. “You were speaking english fine a second ago. Also you want to take yourself to my leader?”

  
“Yes. I must repopulate the earth with alien-human hybrids. Starting with your leader.”

  
“Well technically, you already started repopulating with me. So does that make me the leader of the human race?” he said, with much sass penetrating in his words.

  
“No” she paused. “You can’t be the leader of the human race.”

  
Suddenly nervous, his voice quavered like a string cheese being violently shaken. “Why not?” he asked.

  
She looked into your screen like it was a camera on the office. “Because,” she said, pausing for dramatic effect. “You’re my father.”

  
He dropped to his knees, distraught, as well as sad, and maybe a little angry with a dash of confusion thrown in.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” he yodeled.

To be continued…


	3. Operation Meatloaf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ????? WOW

Stop yodeling” she growled, whacking him with a moist meatloaf. 

“Where did you get the meatloaf?! He yodeled, fearful.

“I’m an alien who just delivered our humalien baby AND YOU’RE CONCERNED ABOUT MEAT LOAF???” she screeched, punctuating each word with a loafy meat smack. 

After a few minutes she decided he had been sufficiently meat loafed (meated loafed?) and allowed him to stand. 

“Are you going to stop yodeling?” she asked, glaring with great force.

“Yes,” he conceded. “How did I not know you were my daughter?”

“I hid the information from you.” she said, gently licking the side of his head and applying meatloaf to the moistened skin. 

“What were you afraid of?” he whispered, tentatively. 

“Well for one, the baby I just birthed is actually my supreme commander named Ted. He’s been listening to us the whole time and sending recordings of our conversations back to the mothership.”

“So he like… heard us when we were….. Um… intimate?” he queried.

“Yes” growled Ted the humalien baby, supreme commander of the alien race. 

“Thaaaaats awkward” he laughed uncomfortably. 

“No kidding” Ted grunted. “You weren’t the one forced to listen to-“

“ALRIGHT ALRIGHT” she interrupted. “Nobody needs to be reminded of that” 

“...I thought it was pretty great” he whispered.

“It really wasn’t” she said at the same time as Ted, looking pointedly at him.

He sighed. “Well now what?” He asked.

“Now” said Ted, suddenly growing a tentacle out of his butt like some sort of demented tail, “you must fight her to the death. Only one will walk out of here alive.”   
He gulped. 

“Well two. Two will walk out of here alive. Because I’m not included in the fight.” Said Ted.

“Can’t we do this later? I have meatloaf all over my face...” he whined.

“No. We can’t.” Said Ted.

She slowly approached him, hopping on one leg like those pink birds that I can’t remember the name of at the moment. She screamed a battle cry, “BLEEP BLORP!!” And lunged. 

To be continued...


	4. The Word for Flamingo

She hopped, menacingly, ever-closer like that bird I still can’t think of the name of. It’s pink, typically. She was not. She’s green.

“I’m going to attack you now,” she said, preempting her attack. She closed the distance at a medium pace, because hopping isn’t the most efficient form of transport. Then, uttering a battle cry, she lunged, at a decidedly faster pace.

“WAIT!” He cried. But she couldn’t stop the lunge. She was in midair. The laws of physics can be a real bitch like that.

“YoggleDork! Stop! It’s me!”

Like I said. She couldn’t stop. Because gravity. But her face changed in surprise, showing how she was really not unsurprised by this turn of events.

“How do you know my name?” She spluttered. She was still in the air, moving as large objects do when launched at a high velocity.

With a dramatic flair, he ripped off his own face. Underneath the human skin, his face was green, like many green objects are.

“‘Tis I! Flagglebog! Bleep blORP” he announced, throwing his human skin at Ted.

Ted was knocked over by the homosapien epidermis. He made a sound that would be consistent with a baby being hit by a pile of skin.

She then crashed into Flagglebog with a speed that would exceed most moderately fast animals.

Flagglebog was knocked to the ground, YoggleDork landing roughly on top of him.

“I don’t want to fight you,” she whispered, lovingly licking his face.

Ted laughed evilly. “Mwahaha” he said, sounding evil. “That sounds like a you problem.” He grew a second tentacle-thing out of his butt.

“W-what?” Stuttered Flagglebog. “Why are you doing this?”

“I was only inside of her for about 2 hours” (authors note: LMAO THATS WHAT SHE SAID) Ted grunted. “And in that time you two annoyed me so much I am now going to kill you with my tentacles. Any last words?”

“...you’re a baby. Can’t we just, like, throw you?” YoggleDork asked, slowly approaching. “I mean you’re pretty defenseless...”

Unfortunately, he was not pretty defenseless. His butt tentacles whipped out as fast as butt tentacles do, and they impaled her in her chest.

“NOOOOOOOO” yodeled Flagglebog, which is something they apparently do when in distress, such as when a long lost lover is killed dead by a butt-tentacled alien.

“Hey, hey look at me... please...” YoggleDork pled, preparing to utter her last words. He held her gaze as she opened her face hole to make her final words. “Why...,” she began.

“Yes sweetheart why what?” He asked, listening closely.

“Why the actual frick frack snick snack does he end up with the name TED and we end up with these dumbass n-“

And just like that, she died. He laid (layed? Lyed? Lied? YCJKDJDKA) her gently on the muddy ground, and turned to face Ted, rage in his eyes.

To be continued.... 


	5. Shows Up Naked and Covered in Bees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS   
> THIS IS THE FINALE   
> BUT THE END IS REALLY GOOD AND ANNIE SHOULD REALLY WRITE A SERIOUS FANFIC????  
> UGH

He slowly approached Ted, not hopping like a flamingo (authors note: I FINALLY GOT THE WORD), but walking, as you would on two legs.

He didn’t have far to go, because Ted is a baby, and didn’t ever move really from when he was set on the ground, so he wasn’t really a far distance away at all.

“How could you!?” He cried, as you do when your blood-pumping muscle shatters like a broken heart symbolically.

Off to the left of the two aliens, there was a bee. It buzzed like a bee (buzz buzz), and flew overhead, slowly circling closer...

“I loved her!” He sobbed. “She-“

“Hang on.” Ted interrupted. “Aren’t you her dad? Isn’t that a little, like, messed up?”

“That was all said for shock value. None of it was true.” He said.

“Oh.” Grunted Ted. “Carry on”.

He cleared his throat. “Anyways... I LOVED HER! And you took her away from me!” He collapsed to the ground dramatically. “I don’t want to live without her...”

“Well that’s chill. Cuz imma kill you with my butt tentacles. Any last words?” Smirked Ted.

“Yes, I do have some words” he said, smugly. “Only one word. BEE!”

He sprung into action, jumping out of his crouched position. Flagglebog, like a heckin speedy alien, snatched the bee out of the air with grabby hands. He quickly detached the stinger from the bee’s booty (R.I.P bee) and plunged the stinger into his thigh.

“Oh my heckin’!” Yelled Ted. “What was that all about?”

Flagglebog grinned and replied “I’m deathly allergic to bees.” His face and body began swelling up real fast. Like anaphylactic fast.

“Uh ok.” Said Ted. “I question the point of that because I was going to kill you anyways. But whatever milks your cow.” He shrugged.

But Flagglebog didn’t hear Ted say this. He had laid down next to YoggleDork in his last moments. He was dead too, by the way.

Ted stared at the two, embracing. It wasn’t like Ted could really go anywhere because he was still, you know, a baby (with butt tentacles).

“Huh” Said Ted to himself. “I may not have thought this plan out very well.”

His butt tentacles waved uselessly. He had not thought this plan out very well. Ted had hoped to become supreme ruler of the universe (as of like 5 minutes ago), but that would have to wait until he reached maturity.

“I’ll just wait here then...” yodeled Ted, somberly.

—a couple days later when Ted is matured—

“Finally! I can take over the world!” Screamed Ted triumphantly.

Suddenly, a gunshot is heard. Ted falls to the ground, because he was shot by the gunshot. He doesn’t survive, and is killed dead.

A masculine voice laughs out, “Dude you fugly.”

The shorter man glances down at the deceased trio, confirming all three are dead. Quiet footsteps signal his retreat. A car door slams, music emanates from the car. Classic rock.

A lazy arm drapes through the window of the Chevy impala. “That must have been the fastest case we’ve ever done.” The voice says.

As they drive away a different voice is heard from the passenger side, asking “dude, do you smell meatloaf?”

—-fin—-

Authors note: I did all of this as a joking challenge between three friends. I’m still so shocked anyone read this story, and just wanted to say thank you. All the comments made my day. Who knew writing terrible purposefully could be so fun?


End file.
